Sitting down in the grand drawing room of Ponk Plaza, it is easy to get lost in the haze of giddiness. Lords Ponkleton and Boyling sit aloof in a sofa, bubbling fashionably on a narghile and looking as dashing as ever. I can't believe my luck! Hundreds of girls would kill to be in my shoes...
Bosie Giddy-Gaylord: Hello, hello, your lordships!
Lord Boyling: Hullo.
Lord Ponkleton: What ho, Gaylord.
BGG: First of all, let me just thank you for agreeing to this interview. And on a personal note, I must say you look absolutely fabulous, the both of you.
LB: Don’t mention it… Really, don’t.
BGG: So tell me. I’m sure our readers are dying to find out…
LP: Christ, Boyling, I think I know where this is going.
BGG: You live quite eventful lives. Are you planning on settling down and raising a family anytime soon?
LB: No, I’m busy raising a ruckus at the moment instead.
BGG: Any particular love interests we should know about?
LP: Oh, heavens, there are several, but I think you’re better off not knowing too much about them. Suffice to say, I’m satisfied being a bachelor at the moment.
BGG: How about prostitutes then?
LB: I beg your pardon?
BGG: Yes, there was a string of articles in the yellow press recently concerning a rumour involving the two of you and a veritable menagerie of, uhm, prostitutes. Could you shed any light on that matter?
LP: Well, Bosie, one doesn’t discuss one’s investments. It’s not the gentlemanly thing to do. However, I can assure you that neither Boyling nor myself have ever employed a femme de jour.
LB: We have on occasion paid to have them removed, though.
BGG: How fabulous! And I’m not at all surprised, as both of you exhibit an astounding physique. What’s your secret to staying in shape?
LB: A balanced diet of steak and whiskey, and the occasional game of snooker.
LP: Cigarettes, women and plenty of sitting around.
BGG: By the way, I love your suits. Who are you wearing?
LB: What?
BGG: So what do you strapping young males think of my outfit?
LB: Very nice, Bosie.
LP: Yes, spiffy.
BGG: Speaking of “strapping”, I have noticed that you drink quite a lot, and rather frequently as well. Tell me, does it in any way affect your performance?
LB: Well, I haven’t been on stage for years, so I wouldn’t know.
LP: Actually, I’d say it does have an effect, as my recital of ‘The Tiger’ during last week’s liquor orgy went perfectly. Wouldn’t you agree, Boyling?
LB: Wholeheartedly, but some credit should go to the brilliant acoustics of your bathroom floor.
LP: Quite right.
BGG: I see. Well, as I have reported to our wonderful readers already, you have an assortment of queer quirks and indecent interests. What exactly is it that you smoke in that hookah? Because, you see, I heard some strange reports of odd smells emanating from Ponk Plaza during some of your so-called “hootenannies”.
LP: Only regular narghile tobacco, I promise. Apple-flavoured mostly. Concerning the “odd smells”, hm, I’m not sure. It could be any number of things.
LB: Well, Ponkleton, there was that one time…
LP: Tish-tish, Boyling. It was probably Lord Jamés. He is, after all, renowned for his violent gastric outbreaks.
LB: Oh, yes. In fact, some say that the County of Newnose was called that only after Lord Jamés became Duke thereof.
BGG: All right, how would you summarise this past summer?
LP: Go ahead, Boyling, you first.
LB: Well, it was quite an eventful time, filled with summer loves, a quick visit to the colonies and loads of shindigs.
LP: Yes, the past season definitely consisted of more hootenannies than could ever be perceived to fit into one summer, but also, I’d say, basking in the sun with new acquaintances, and one young Mademoiselle in particular.
BGG: Right-ho, lastly, any gay memory in particular you’d like to share?
LB: Oh, probably the time spent with all of the interesting and loving people that seemed to surround me.
LP: Ah, my fondest memory is chasing a small, bright-yellow moon at 1 a.m. one night.
BGG: That’s wonderful. Thank you so very, very, very much again, your lordships. You’re beautiful. Ta-ta.
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