Below are the pre-production scene summaries for Dawson L.’s upcoming un-autobiographical feature film, entitled My Love for Joey, or something equally inconspicuous. The names of the characters may be changed prior to filming.
Scene 1
INT. DAWSON’S ROOM – EVENING
Dawson is sitting on the edge of his bed, whacking off to Good Will Humping when Joey Potter surprises him by tapping on his window. As soon as he has awkwardly returned his penis to his pants, and quickly turned off his VCR (though not quickly enough), he feels perplexed by her sudden arrival, as he removed the ladder leading up to his window quite some time ago.
At first he feigns not having heard her, and tries to act natural, but after a while he ‘finally’ notices her and opens the window, whereupon she enters his room, flying on her broomstick. She explains that she has returned from her final semester at a boarding school in Europe with her new boyfriend Draco. Dawson suddenly becomes very introverted and occasionally glances longingly at the play button of his VCR. After some small-talk, Joey leaves and Dawson watches from his window as she performs fellatio on Draco on his front lawn.
Scene 2
INT. THE ICE HOUSE – DAY
Pacey and Dawson arrive at The Ice House for coffee with Draco and Joey, but Joey is nowhere to be seen. However, they do manage to find a very relaxed Draco slumped down in a chair by a cloth-covered table.
DAWSON
Where’s Joey? Hasn’t she arrived yet?
Suddenly something slams against the table from beneath it, and Joey’s voice is heard.
JOEY (muffled)
I’ll just be a moment, you guys.
You see, she was performing fellatio on Draco under the table. Dawson and Pacey sit down awkwardly by the table and wait for her to finish, and after a few minutes she emerges, wiping her lips dry with her sleeve. Draco whips out his wand and quickly flicks it over the stained sleeve.
DRACO
Tunica Pura!
The stain magically disappears, and Draco and Joey smile arrogantly at Dawson and Pacey. They cast various other spells, showing off their powers, and constantly refer to Dawson and Pacey as Muggles, Goddamned Mud-Bloods, and Fucking Retard Capesideians, explaining that they can get away with it because Draco’s father has a lot of influence in the Ministry for Magic.
Scene 3
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Joey and Draco stumble inebriatedly into Capeside High while Pacey is taking a written English exam. You see, his academic achievements being somewhat below par, he had to have a go at summer school and is really bored. However, the ambiance is quickly improved upon when the wand wielding duo clamber into the classroom and interrupt the examinees by first climbing on top of the teacher’s desk and then having Joey perform fellatio on Draco.
As soon as she’s done, though, she’s bored by Capeside High and makes disparaging remarks about the stationary condition of the stairs. Also, seeing her old high school again reminds her of Abby Morgan’s tragic death, so she decides to resurrect her, creating an evil, make-up crazed bitch zombie that roams the school hallways, taunting the less popular summer school students, attempting to make love to everything cylindrical she can grab a hold of, and finally going out to raid the makeup store.
Scene 4
INT. MAKEUP STORE – DAY
Dawson and Pacey help out at the makeup store, cleaning up the mess that the zombie made when she was trying on and stealing cover up. Meanwhile, in art class, Joey talks to her portrait about what a “queen” Jack is. He sits steaming, his artwork (a massive clay phallus) resting in his arms. Joey also talks – in depth – about why and how badly Dawson’s films suck, on which note Draco comes in and she performs fellatio on him in front of the whole class.
Scene 5
EXT. RUINS – EVENING
Dawson drives his girlfriend Jen, as well as Joey and Draco, to Traveller’s Cove in his Toyota RAV4. What is supposed to be a nice double-date for the four of them quickly turns out to be something completely different. Joey talks trash about Jen, and Draco about Dawson, from the backseat, flicking their fingers at the backs of their victims’ heads respectively every now and then. As Dawson picked the venue, Draco obviously shuns him for being a muggle and thus appreciating the fake ruins. Jen defends her date, saying the venue is romantic. For example, she suggests, “just look at how the water reflects the moonlight.”
Draco casts a spell and suddenly instead of moonlight, the surface of the water now projects images of Dawson first whacking off to ‘Good Will Humping’ and then crying himself to sleep in a foetal position, tightly embracing the school catalogue and chanting Joey’s name. Awkward moment…
Joey and Draco return to Dawson’s car, where she performs fellatio on him in the backseat.
Scene 6
INT. THE LEARY RESIDENCE – EVENING
Dawson organises a celebratory screening of ‘Capelife’ in conjunction with Joey’s recent return to Capeside. Everyone (seriously, EVERYONE) is assembled in Dawson’s living room. His mum prepares lemonade in the kitchen while the others get comfortable on pillows strewn across the floor. Draco and Joey are bored senseless, and offer to help out in the kitchen, but instead they stand around levitating kitchen utensils and making the process of preparing lemonade excruciatingly difficult for Dawson’s mother. She carries a tray of lemonade and glasses to the living room and Draco confidently closes the sliding doors.
Everyone’s having a good time.
JACK
Hey, Dawson, not to seem cheesy or
anything, but I’m really looking forward
to seeing you and Joey in each other’s
arms, where you belong, even if only
on screen.
DAWSON’S MUM
Oh, heavens, I forgot to close the fridge.
She opens the sliding doors, revealing Joey performing fellatio on Draco on the kitchen table. The two of them are so startled by this that Draco’s penis bobs out of Joey’s mouth just as he ejaculates, spraying a massive geyser of semen not only into the open refrigerator, but also onto Dawson’s mum’s favourite dress, leaving her – and the others – speechless. Finally, Dawson starts sobbing, and runs up to his room, crying.
DAWSON
You’ve ruined my screening! I hate you!
It’s not fair!
Scene 7
INT. DAWSON’S ROOM – EVENING
Two days later Joey returns to Dawson’s room to apologise and reconcile. At the time, Dawson is hard at work writing this plot outline. Once again, she enters through the window on her broomstick, but this time she stumbles awkwardly and Dawson gets up to help her on her feet.
JOEY
I can’t take it anymore, Coby!
DAWSON
It’s, uhm, Dawson actually…
JOEY
I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over.
I wanna know right now… What will it be?
Dawson sees this as the last chance he’ll ever get, and quickly – and gentlemanly – leans forward and plants a kiss on Joey’s lips.
DAWSON (seriously)
You and me, always.
Joey starts laughing and wants to punch him on the shoulder, but accidentally hits his enormous chin, knocking him unconscious for a good five seconds.
JOEY
Oh, you’re such a doofus, Dawson! I was
just repeating lines I heard this morning
on some crappy television show. You’re
not very important to me.
Dawson is hurt by her remarks and tries to reclaim his dignity by assaulting her with ridiculous charges.
DAWSON
Yeah, well you’re not a very good kisser
anyway. And besides, you really… uhm,
you really ought to brush your teeth, Joey.
My God, have you been feasting on Cracker
Jacks or something?
JOEY
Hehe, you’re gonna laugh when you hear this,
becuase you see I just performed fellatio on
Draco only five minutes ago in your father’s
sailboat.
Joey’s explanation only further fuels Dawson’s fury.
DAWSON
Sperm on my front lawn, on my porch, on my
mother’s favourite dress, in my fridge, my dad’s
sailboat, my brand new Toyota RAV4, and now
on my lips. Enough, man! There is only one thing
left to do, only one thing masculine, courageous
and mature enough, and that’s to have Pacey
carry a note from me to Draco, challenging him
to a duel.
Scene 8
EXT. CAPE FRONT JUST BY THE POTTER B&B – DAY
A classic wand duel between Draco and Dawson is about to ensue. Joey takes Dawson aside to teach him a magic spell (because she “loves him” and because without it he wouldn’t stand a chance). Jack and Jen stand a few feet to the side, cheering on Dawson. Pacey acts as his second.
JEN
Go, Dawson! I believe in you!
Suddenly, and to everyone’s surprise, Joey recreates the monster from Dawson’s first film and it springs out of the water and relieves Jen of the burden of having to carry around her gigantic head.
DRACO
Take this, you stupid Mudblood!
Draco casts a spell, launching a herd of fireballs from his wand in Dawson’s direction. Dawson rolls around ridiculously on the ground, dodging fireballs, and barely makes it. When, after a while, a window presents itself, Dawsons casts the spell Joey taught him, thinking it will bring him the victory for sure. But instead, it makes the blades of grass growing just underneath his groin grow to an enormous size and penetrate his urinal tract, causing him tremendous pain.
Joey points and laughs at him awkwardly while performing fellatio on Draco.
DRACO
Yeah, baby, keep on laughing! I love
the way your tonsils bounce!
Steam forms around Draco’s mouth as he utters his final climactic grunts. In fact, everyone seems to find it having grown considerably colder now, and soon enough the reason is revealed to them on the horizon as the Dementors arrive to carry Dawson off for transgressing the laws of magic.
Scene 9
INT. CELL, ASSKABLAAM PRISON – NIGHT
Dawson sits in his cell. His cellmate, the groundskeeper of Joey’s school in Europe, who is currently serving a sentence for philandering with minors, being a mass-murderer (having killed two Pakistani sisters among others), cannibalism (he ate an overweight orphan student with a talent for herbalism), and smoking pot in his hut with the token black guy of the school.
OVERSIZED BEARDED MAN (happily)
Welcome to Asskablaam, little man. Pleasure ter
meet yeh! Yeh going tah ‘ave a great time ‘ere,
I tells yeh! Err prim’ ol’ tah yeh? Nooo. Reall’?
Yeah, so’s me mah.
Dawson reads the local newspaper. The front page reveals a picture of the monster being chased out of Capeside. In the background he sees Joey performing fellatio on Draco.
DAWSON
Damnit!
Dawson attempts an escape from Asskablaam only to be intercepted by a very horny dragon, trained by his new cellmate in the fine art of recognising the scent of a man’s anus from miles away.
DAWSON (v.o.)
And as I was carried back to prison,
skewered on that monstrous, throbbing
dragon member, I couldn’t help but
wonder if perhaps Joey wasn’t somewhere
thinking about me, too.
CUE Theme Song
FADE TO BLACK |
