And God called the good shepherd up to the hill one day to tell him his will; to talk of merriment for his people and reward his servant for his good deeds, while the flock eagerly waited below. And so God spoke: “Tell me, shepherd, what is it that you lack in life? Tell me, and you shall receive.” But the shepherd did not reply, for he was busy playing with himself by means of a hole in his garments. “Tell me, shepherd. You have been a good servant to your people, as well as to me, your Lord, and I wish to reward you for it. What is it that you desire?”

The shepherd gave off a sigh of relief and brought his hands from out of his tunic, holding his stained palms up to God. “What is the meaning of this?” He asked of his Lord and added, “it smells in a manner that is bemusing to me.” And God answered all-knowingly, “it is the scent of your hard labours.”

“No,” the shepherd interrupted, “I meant the bush.”

And the shepherd chuckled to himself and turned his head to look down on his people and saw that they had not yet left, for they, too, were playing with themselves, and so he turned to face God once again.

“I, too, meant the bush,” God replied.

“But it is aflame,” the shepherd went on, “and the smoke is getting into my eyes, but still I cannot help but smile. What is the meaning of it?”

“I got it from a friend of my neighbour’s,” God replied. “At only a fiver an ounce. It has no meaning in itself other than to relax you in my presence. Very well, I shall tell you my will first, so that you may have more time to think of what you want.”

“That’s cool,” the shepherd responded and sat down by the burning bush, looking at it as he did so, for he did not wish to get burned.

“Here is my will,” God began. “You will lead your flock to the village square and there you shall have a feast. And at that feast you shall serve cutlets of veal, and potatoes and all manner of poultry. And on the table shall be arranged a decorative plate of fruit that your peers may eat of, if they so desire. And behind it shall be a bar, where shall be served wine by a woman with no shirt and large bosoms.”

“That is most generous of you, o Lord,” the shepherd commented and his hands rushed into his tunic once more.

“And there shall be entertainment as well. There shall be an actor who can impersonate the elders of the village in a way that their children will find them only to have deserved, and there shall be an auction held by a man with two sisters and a goat, and at that auction shall be sold, at reasonable prices, furniture, herbs and various household items that their current owners no longer have any use for.”

The shepherd sighed in relief yet another time and smiled at the burning bush, for the smoke that thence came made it look like a school of fish with little hats on their heads and hands where their dorsal fins should be.

“And when the auction is over,” God continued, “and the furniture and herbs and various household items have been bought by people with greater use for them, you shall hold a contest to see which man has the longest knob.” And so the shepherd reached into his tunic again and all around him he saw images of three-eyed women on donkeys drinking sangria and being merry.

“And when you have found this man, of which I spoke just now, you shall tell him that on the other side of the river there lives an old man who walks with a cane and who has learned how to lift one eyebrow at a time. And you shall tell the man, of which I spoke before, that he shall travel to the other side of the river on a mule, and that there he shall find the man who walks with a cane and has learned how to lift one eyebrow at a time, and that he shall bring him back to the feast on the mule, so that the people may feel bad about his disability, but marvel at his ability at the same time. And they shall know that I am fair.”

The shepherd now sighed again, but this time with some exertion.

“Shall the old man be allowed to eat at our table?” He asked curiously.

But God did not answer at first, for the shepherd was now urinating on the burning bush in an attempt to extinguish the heat in his immediate vicinity, but the shepherd’s bladder was soon emptied and God once again had his full attention.

“No, for he sleeps with his brother when his wives are not around to see it, and with his sister when they are.”

“I see,” said the shepherd and his hands disappeared underneath the cloth of his garments like they had done before.

“That is my will. Now, have you thought of something that you want? What reward shall I grant you?” God asked of his servant in anticipation and pulled out his checkbook.

“I shall like to take another wife,” the shepherd replied. “The blonde one with the firm rear and the large nipples.” And at once he knew that God had given his consent, as well as his blessing.

And the shepherd sighed with relief once again, and came down from the hill. And the people all cheered, except for the tailors who stopped to play with themselves, and the moneylenders rubbed their hands with joy, for it was going to be a good day for business. And so the feast commenced.