Hey there, consumer! Are you having a hard time getting your spouse to consent to anal sex? Of course you are! Heck, we’ve all encountered it at some point or another. And who can blame them for not wanting it up the pooper? It’s not properly designed for intake of anything, really, and stuffing a wiener in there is often followed by awkwardness. But we here at the Home Shopping Network can almost guarantee that if you follow our simple procedure of audio-visual manipulation, you’ll convince your spouse that having anal sex is actually the best thing that could ever happen.

First of all, you’ll want to show her a slideshow of unattractive people failing miserably at performing random tasks without the aid of anal sex. You’ll want to add captions to the pictures as well, informing her of what it is that they’re failing at, such as Applying Makeup, Going Grocery Shopping or Having Breakfast. Make sure to capitalise for extra emphasis.

Next, bring in your on set assistant. You can never go wrong with a token English woman. She’ll introduce herself and talk a bit about her hobbies in her cute British accent. That goes a long way, especially if your spouse speaks with an American one. Next, ask her to do something your spouse could relate to, let’s say you ask her to bake a cake or prepare a meal or something, but be sure you don’t give her nearly enough time to do so. At first, she’ll be confounded and sceptical, and not be able to operate even the simplest of kitchen utensils, such as for instance wooden spoons or bowls, but after a brief demonstration of anal sex you pull open a curtain revealing the cake or meal, rendering her astounded and making her a “true” believer of the concept.

Also, have a celebrity visit, claim he came unannounced simply to talk about his passion for the product. Emmy Award winner Brian Dennehy may be a good choice, but he might be booked and/or have issues with the topic at hand. But try to get in touch with his agent all the same.

A doctor’s evaluation is also imperative. Any doctor will do, even one with a PhD in botany, as long as you make him wear a white lab coat and point at Powerpoint presentations, that look fancy and take a lot of time and colourful animations to say essentially nothing.

Finish off by saying something along the lines of “Act now, and we’ll even include this practical facial cream that, spiritualists have argued for millennia, reduces wrinkles and has a generally rejuvenating effect on the skin.” Women always fall for that new-age stuff and cosmetics will definitely ensure a win for you.

And, consumer, just like back in high school, repetition is the key. Have the words “Anal Sex Helps” or something along that line enter your dialogue frequently and repeat more often than would seem necessary that this is a limited time offer and that the price is a lot better than in stores, or any competitor’s for that matter.