To: "Sally"
Subject: Re: Just wanted to tell you you're great...

Dear Sally,

I am writing this letter to you now as I find it too difficult to say these words to your face, like I know you deserve to hear them. I am sorry. Call me a coward, if that makes you feel better, but the fact of the matter remains that I am utterly incapable of maintaining decorum and warding off nausea when I am around you, as you have regretfully witnessed on prior occasions, and I feel a geyser of vomit would dampen the seriousness of what I have to say to you.

Sally, I am no longer in love with you. In fact, I slipped out of love with you quite a while ago. Love, it seemed, only managed to hold on during our first few months together, and, yes, I realise we’ve been together well over three years now, but that’s a completely different matter and entirely irrelevant to the present. What is relevant is that I no longer love you. I’m not completely sure why, but I have a feeling the aforementioned nausea might have had something to do with it.

Also, I have been cheating on you. And this leaves me quite disappointed in us. We should be stronger and better than that, don’t you think? But evidently we haven’t been, ‘cos I’ve been fucking women left and right since you and I became an official couple. It’s true. My sex life hasn’t seen this much variance since I don’t know when. And it’s not even as though I’d been discontented with your know-how in bed. Quite the contrary, I’ve humped most of the women in your circle of friends and family, and you’ve unquestionably secured a place among the top-ten!

So what is it then? Why am I leaving you, Sally? The answer is simple, but multifaceted. You’re not particularly interesting anymore, and I’m starting to doubt whether you ever were; you ought to shave with greater regularity; you don’t swallow; your sister’s a better lay; your age is starting to show; I’m bored and perhaps a little too gay for you.

Another thing – and I understand that this must be very difficult for you to hear, as you have never been able to attain the love of a good man in your life – is economics. You’re a high-maintenance broad and I can’t cope with that. I mean, Jesus, get a job, woman! I’ve been slaving to keep you stuffed with all that food you cram into yourself, just to avoid your high-pitched and sometimes rather annoying voice diminishing my ego and scaring the neighbours.

But I don’t want you to be saddened by what I’ve said here, nor do I want you to feel that I’m no longer attracted to you. The truth is, I’ve never actually been all that attracted to you, but I’ve grown to appreciate your flaws. Our flaws are, after all, what make up our characters respectively, and I respect your rough skin, your bimonthly acts of gluttony, the wrinkles under your eyes and your bad breath in the mornings. I don’t even mind that you sometimes wake me up at night when you fart. I’m sure I fart, too. Hell, we all do! Fine, so it’s not as feminine as I had always hoped your sleeping habits to be, and you never did outgrow that tendency despite my prayers and attempts to introduce laxatives in your breakfast cereal, but it’s still only natural, am I right?

So, don’t worry about it, Sally. I like you, just not in the traditional sense of the word. At certain times I’d even go as far as to say you’ve got a good personality. Really, I mean that, Sally.

And I’m sure somewhere down the road you’ll find a guy who’s not too picky about things and who’ll love you eternally for the marvellous person that I have no doubt you could develop into with the proper guidance.

Okay. I’ve gotta dash off now, as I’m emailing you from Clarissa’s computer and she’s getting kind of anxious. I think she’s jealous, though she denies it, but I’ll just read this letter out loud to her later on to avoid any conflicts. After all, I don’t want to be the cause for any measure of antagonism between you and her. Sisters should get along. I’m an only child, as I’m sure you recall, and perhaps it’s because of that that I’m so intent on maintaining the integrity of sibling relationships, even in other people’s families.

You’ll make it through this, Sally. I know you will, as long as you stay true to yourself.

With that said, I wish you much happiness.

Keep on truckin’

/Noel

PS: Just a small non sequitur... Enclosed, please find a copy of Clarissa’s latest essay for her psychology class. She wanted you to have a look at it, as it might help you in some way, and because she received a magna cum laude for it and hoped you’d be as proud of her astonishing achievements as we all are.