The cornerstones for any kind of festivity, be it an effervescent bachelor party or a morose wake for a deceased relative, are alcohol and women. One of these two items can easily be acquired and purchased for a trivial sum of money. Alcohol, on the other hand, is a delicate affair, which takes careful planning, fine-tuned execution and physical preparation. In order to make the shindig as effective as possible, you need to come up with the proper beverage that is suitable for your particular shindig. Beer, for instance, is a very common drink among the lower classes, whilst wine is considered respectable among the societé.

Both of these are fine examples of beverages that might be suitable for some types of event, in some extreme, desperate cases. However, unless it is drunk by gallons, it hardly ever causes any of the participants to have even a slightly enjoyable time. The problem lies at its low alcohol by volume (ABV) value.

If you consider yourself a man of the times, do not, I repeat, do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, purchase a beverage that has less than 25% alcohol. It is a complete and utter waste of pantry space and time. Remember, the outmost objective for any social gathering is to get as intoxicated as humanly possible, hopefully without dying. As you can see on this chart, you are at a complete loss to utilize beer or wine at a successful jamboree.

Beer: 3–8%
Cider: 4–8%
Barley wine: 10%
Wine: 10-15%
Port wine: 20%
______________

Liqueur: 15–55%
Liquor (aka spirits): Typically 40% and up
Whisky or rum: 60%
Absinthe 55-89.5%
Neutral grain spirit: 95%
Rectified spirit: 96%

Now, if you are as clever as we suspect you are, you have already crossed out everything but absinthe, neutral grain spirit and rectified spirit. Well done, old sport! You are already proving to be a promising and admirable host.

For the less fortunate

But unless you truly are a nobleman worth his dust, you might want to think again. Highly alcoholic beverages have a tendency to be very expensive, so for the modern man who likes to make a good deal once in a while, it is our duty to offer you a way to make your purchases as efficient as possible. This can easily be solved through a mathematic formula:

(ABV / Volume) / Price = X
Example:

Rum: 250 ml x .4 (60%) = 100 ml pure alcohol
The bottle has a price of £20
100 ml / £20 = 5 ml/£

You, as the well-rounded, upright party attendant, who do not care for insignificant matters such as taste and etiquette, want as high a value of X as possible. Remember
how we propagated how you should never, ever drink beer or wine? Well, guess what, in a lot of cases, beer and wine have the highest X value! I say!

So, now that you know these hefty and useful tricks, you are indeed ready to live out your dreams with alcohol, foolishness and premarital relations. But first, test yourself with this quiz!

The Quiz

Let us say that the fashionable, and somewhat ridiculed, Sir Scotsman is invited to a party. Sir Scotsman, who knows of his sordid reputation, naturally wants to impress his mates by getting pissed off his head. However, the vendor has sold out everything
but two bottles: a bottle of rum and a smaller bottle of rectified spirits, for cleaning the lavatory. Seeing that Sir Scotsman has a polo event to attend the following weekend his budget is somewhat strained, and he can only afford one of the bottles.

Which one should Sir Scotsman logically choose?
a) a 250 ml, 10 year old bottle of 60% rum for £15, or
b) a 100 ml bottle of 96% rectified spirit for £35

The Answer:
Both of them. Screw polo.