You oversleep and find that you’re going to be late for work. You hastily swallow half a glass of cold coffee that didn’t even taste particularly nice the night before when you drank the first half of it with some milk that had gone sour months before and that was visibly developing fungi of various sorts on its surface. You arrive on the street only to find that your car, the loan for which you haven’t been able to pay off for the past twenty years and probably never will be either, has been vandalised, tagged with graffiti and set ablaze. Inside it, you can still see the charred remains of your high school diploma, the only proof of your mediocrity, the only scrap of evidence that you aren’t completely worthless, but then it disappears in a flicker of light as the fire gulps it down. You call the police and the fire brigade, but before they arrive, the fire spreads to your home, burning it down to the ground. All other houses on the block are left unscathed. When the police finally do arrive, they give you a ticket as what remains of your wreck of a car stands in cinders in a no-parking zone.

You remember your job and head over to the bus stop, but you miss your bus, as a complete stranger kicks you in the nuts and a dog urinates on your shoulder when you crouch down in an attempt to force the pain out of your scrotum by pressing against it with your hands and making agonised faces at passers-by.

During the afternoon to follow, you lose all three of your jobs, discover your wife is not only actually a ladyboy, but it also having an affair with a man who used to bully you back in high school (bringing the memory of the burning diploma back to mind), you accidentally swallow a bug, shit your pants, throw up on your favourite and now only remaining shirt, and are robbed, raped and arrested for being a vagrant. You’re finally let out of the police station just in time to be hit on the head by a falling roof tile, shat on by a bird and spit on by a homeless person with a drug addiction and hepatitis-C.

You seek refuge with an obese former co-worker with a serious acne problem, who unbeknownst to you has had a crush on you for some time. She comforts you and feeds you copious amounts of alcohol, as well as food that has long since passed its expiration date. Drunkenly you decide to spend the night, start to undress, cut your bell-end on your zipper, have painfully awkward sex with her, finally realise you have a potency problem, and don’t find out until the following morning that not only was she menstruating at the time of coitus as well as being an HIV carrier, but she also knew about both and just chose to keep it all from you until afterwards when it was too late, so that she could tell the whole world about how you’re now a semi-impotent aids patient who was suckered into sleeping with a fat woman with dermatological issues.

Desperately, you stumble out of the cot she lives in, cut your foot on the chards of a broken beer bottle on the curb, piss your pants and are run over by a passing tractor, leaving you bent and broken on the side of the road only to be disregarded, and pointed and laughed at by everyone who passes you by.

In the background, someone turns the volume knob on their stereo to the maximum setting and blasts a mix-tape of garage rap and mid-nineties Cher songs in your direction. Seven horrible hours later, just as you’re about to bleed to death relatively peacefully, you throw up and choke on your own vomit, flailing your arms about on the ground, but unable to turn your head sideways. After what feels like an eternity in hell, you’re reincarnated as the tip of a branding iron for pigs. For the next thirty years, you only experience the agony of extremely high temperatures, the touch of pigs’ asses and the smell of bacon, until some inbred redneck aspiring farmer accidentally breaks you and you’re thrown out with all the other trash and are left to rust with only the memory of your failed existences and the knowledge that sooner or later you’ll be taken to the rubbish heap, melted down and recycled as a metal butt plug designed to fit the anal cavities of plump elderly people.